By Kate Berridge, Tiaki Whaiaro
Warning: slightly salty language, possibly triggering topic
We’re almost two months into the new year. Research tells us if you put new year’s resolutions in place, by now most – probably all – have gone by the wayside.
A common reason for this is often that the “new you” faced the same issues as the “old you” despite your best intentions and enthusiasm. You may be feeling frustrated, angry, and disappointed with yourself for not maintaining your enthusiasm.
The Reasons Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail (And Don’t Work)
Typically, we make resolutions that involve making a big change or if we’re feeling ambitious, several big changes.
It’s usually things we’ve struggled with for years like creating a ‘good’ three-times-a-week gym habit, or restricting – maybe banning – chocolate, alcohol, or other things we enjoy and crave.
Not being able to maintain resolutions invariably brings out a voice in our head that I liken to a stern, screaming sports coach. Think of a red-faced US basketball or European soccer coach, arms waving, storming onto the field of play, screaming incoherently.
Mine looks something like this.
It’s likely that every time you’ve tried to meet a new year resolution or other challenges and come up short compared to your expectations, that foul-mouthed voice has immediately started yelling horrible things.
“Why are you so LAZY? You fail at EVERYTHING. You are a LOSER.”
It’s emphatic. It’s so certain. These horrible things it’s saying must be true, and the proof is you didn’t do the thing you said, you vowed, you resolved that you would do.
Our response is usually to get more stern with ourselves. The coach may have started off speaking in a firm tone as you made your list, but now it’s screaming at you.
Here’s the thing. Has being screamed at ever helped you? It never helped me. I just felt worse and worse about myself.
I’d also guess if your best friend, your partner, or your child was struggling, you’re highly unlikely to stand in front of them and shout in the most brutal way possible about what a poor human they are.
In psychology, this loud, awful voice is known as the Internal or Inner Critic or ‘the critic’ for short.
It may seem the critic is the only voice you hear. It’s commonly the most powerful and says the nastiest things. The longer you’ve been listening to the critic - and for most of us, it started when we were under the age of five - the more entrenched and loud its voice has become.
But there other voices in there. For example, have you heard this?
The second reason we struggle
“F*ck it - you’ve eaten that slice, so it doesn’t matter if you have another one.”
“F*ck it - you haven’t done your exercise this morning, why bother.”
“F*ck it – you’re no good, there’s no point.”
When weight loss surgery patient Nadene had sessions with a therapist, she could easily identify her critic. She was also confident it was the only voice in her head.
But with help, she quickly realised there were other voices, and another loudmouth was the ‘F*ck It’ voice. It’s the voice that can immediately justify why you should eat the whole pizza, or not exercise.
Some voices are more subtle, like the catastrophising voice. It’s the one that when a long-term relationship ends might say something like ‘no-one will ever love you’, and ‘you’ll be alone forever’.
What makes it hard is that these voices work together, so you get a narrative in your head that sounds something like this.
“Fuck it, have another slice, have two! You’re just a fat, lazy failure, always have been. You’re already fat, you’re gonna get fatter, you know you’re gonna get diabetes or cancer. Why bother.”
Truly awful, awful stuff when you see it written down, but so many people hear these definite-sounding declarations in their heads many times a day.
And we believe it.
As you go through life, a voice like the inner critic is enabled by society. Powerful companies that want to sell you things like diets, foods, and fitness programs offer a vision of perfectionism if you buy their offering. And if their products or services don’t work? Well, it’s not their fault – it’s yours.
What you need to take better care of yourself
If having a brutal inner critic in your head was the way to success, we’d all keep our resolutions, and the whole world would be slim, fit, and wealthy.
Psychology tells us that the inner critic plays an important part in childhood development. It works to keep you safe in an unsafe environment, perhaps as a response to an overly critical parent who modelled severity and perfectionism, or an out-of-control parent who couldn’t be trusted to care for you in the way you needed.
When loud, angry voices dominate, it’s really hard to hear the kinder voices in your head. They tend to be very quiet. If they have dared to speak up in the past, they’ve usually been shouted down and quickly retreated.
But by encouraging theses voices and consciously helping them to practise, we can develop a sense of loving care for ourselves, emotionally and physically.
The one we need to find first is the voice of self-compassion. One simple way to get started is to take a few minutes to practice hearing what self-compassion sounds like. If you’ve never heard this voice, it’s almost always easiest to imagine saying something compassionate to another person or a pet.
For example, let’s say your dearest friend has resolved not to eat more than one slice of pizza. But at a big family birthday party, she has eaten more and now she’s angry with herself.
It’s highly doubtful you’d say anything awful, blaming, or shaming to your friend. You’re more like to say something like this:
“Of course, you had more than one piece! Everyone was getting stuck into it and you were having a nice time - how could anyone resist? Tomorrow is another day. How about taking a big deep breath and asking - what can you do right now to be kind to yourself?”
Suffering is different for everyone, but we all suffer. It’s universal. It’s important to stop and notice you’re suffering, that this is a painful moment. It doesn’t matter if it’s a seemingly small thing, like eating extra pizza. It doesn’t help to compare yourself with other people who are in a worse situation - that’s a shaming voice.
A Compassionate Response
Firstly, name the feeling or feelings, eg frustrated, scared, apathetic
Really dig down - for example, you may say you’re feeling anxious which is often a mix of feelings like fear, anger, overwhelm, helplessness, and worry. An emotion wheel is a really helpful tool to use - try this one.
Follow that by telling yourself others feel this way too - ‘it’s understandable, others in the same position would feel the same.’
Talking to yourself with self-compassion is difficult when you’ve never done it before. That inner critic will be itching to jump in and be nasty because it’s had decades of daily practice.
Like learning to ride a bike or give a speech, you’re going to stumble or fall. That’s why it’s good to practice hearing a compassionate response ahead of time.
For example, instead of waiting for a time when self-compassion is needed urgently, you might get up in the morning and say to yourself ‘today is going to be a busy day, something is bound to come up that causes pain or worry or frustration - it’s understandable if you feel (pain, worry, frustration) today."
I had to use the ‘what would I say to my friend right now’ technique for the longest time, and it often got shouted down by my coachy critic who didn’t believe it was valid.
Then one day, after many, many months of almost daily practice, my self-compassionate voice stepped in to help me during a tough moment. A wave of emotion went through my body when I got some bad news. I told myself that what was happening was sad and difficult. The physical sense of the emotion was in my chest so I covered that area with my hand. As the emotion washed away after a minute or so, I felt this sense of peace where the emotion had been. And then I suddenly realised - I’d just shown myself compassion. It was amazing.
Nadene also found her self-compassionate voice using the same ‘what I would say to a friend’ technique. She holds her hand on her upper chest as that’s where she feels her strong emotions, but the right spot for your could be your throat, your stomach, your head, or somewhere else. Wherever it is, place a hand or hands on it, perhaps gently moving them back and forth for extra comfort. Think of the way you might instinctively rub a child’s back or arm to comfort them when they’re upset, and do the same for yourself.
On particularly bad days, Nadene will give herself a hug by wrapping her arms around her shoulders. Research tells us that in terms of calming yourself, placing a hand on the part of you that hurts or a self-hug has the same effect as a loved one touching or hugging you - it lowers cortisol and helps you to feel compassion for yourself.
Learning self-compassion is a lifelong journey. The more you practice, the more you uncover its power. The bonus is the more compassion you can show yourself, the more you can show it to other people, including the ones who hurt you the most.
How does this help after weight loss surgery
Creating new patterns of healthy behaviour for yourself is a huge job. Berating yourself, telling yourself ‘f*ck it, I’ve failed’, isn’t the way to go. You’ve done that your whole life and it hasn’t worked.
By learning self-compassion, you empower a kinder voice in your head. That’s the start of the work of truly showing love and care for yourself. When you do that, you’ll naturally want to take better care of you in every way.
In the first year after weight loss surgery, most people feel amazing. There are powerful positive feelings such as confidence that come out really strongly, often for the first time in your life. Then there’s the validation you receive from others who marvel over the change to how you look.
There’s also often far fewer, if any, feelings of anxiety, depression or other low moods that make life much harder. The inner critic might have very little to say, giving you some peace and quiet.
It’s such a good space for most patients. That also makes it a really good time to practice new strategies, like developing a strong sense of self-compassion.
When the effects of the surgery will end, you may find it difficult. Maybe your final weight loss isn’t as much as you expected. You might find yourself falling back into old habits. You may see your weight start to rise again.
If any of that happens - and statistics tell us, that will be the majority of patients - you’re going to need a kind voice to help take care of you, and to be a balance to the critic who may come back angrier and shoutier than ever.
Taking the time to practice self-compassion will be critical to help you through this stage, and the rest of your life.
Spoiler alerts:
· your loud, shouty voices will still pipe up, no matter how much you practice self-compassion
· you won’t be perfect
· you will need to practice and encourage the quiet voices like self-compassion for the rest of your life
But for me, and many others, this learning, the practice, the trips and stumbles, the love you create inside (which can then be shared with others) is the very best part of being a human.
We can go through life with a war raging inside, or we can work to generate love, compassion and forgiveness.
Read more
If you want big life changes, don’t start in the new year
Daily practice: How to take a little pause that makes a big difference
Copyright: Kate Berridge, Tiaki Whaiaro
